Date:	2009-02-28 16:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

alex has encouraged me to keep a REAL journal.
which is helping? kind of.

mostly i dont know where to begin with anything. so i'll make a few lists.

good things:
-moving in with alex over the summer
-he seems super excited about it
-we talk about baby names
-we're taking a trip around Europe before we move in together
-we basically sleep together every night
- i got in to the nursing program at UM
-things seem better between my father and i
-Nicole came back from boston and we had a great time catching up last night
-ive gotten A's on all my exams so far (and ive had one exam in every class)
-i havent biten my nails in 2 weeks
-i havent smoked a cigarette since last night- but before that it had been a month!! im doing this "only in social settings" things that i tihnk its working out
-my doctor's helping me find a new shrink
- im happy with my classes
-im in love with Alex

not so good things:
-im annoyed
-im anxious
-im inpatient
-im sure im annoying to other people
-i hate my body. more than ever probably
- Alex wants to support me but gets frustrated. he says things like "can't you just remember how you felt last time you ate something like that and how bad it felt?? cant you just think for a moment before you eat it?" or "are you sure you want that? i dont want to hear about it later if you dont" or, my personal favorite, and the most pressing comment "this is a splinter between us and its only going to get bigger and uglier and worse if you dont decide to own up to it"
-i cant own up to it
-i dont feel pressure or obligated (internally) to change
-i dont feel guilty about it
-i only feel terrified of not having it
- my doctor's helping me find a new shrink because i just stopped going to the other one. i felt like i was paying someone to literally sit across from me and ask "well but how does that make you feel" talk about cliche useless bullshit.
-things are so unpredictable with my dad- they're ok now, but who knows, tomorrow he might hate me, and that idea keeps me constantly anxious.
-i always feel like im ABOUT to seriously fuck up in some major way.


am i just not ready? am i not "cut out" for it? will i ever be ready to face the world, relationships, life and its stresses without this coping mechanism? i just dont think so... and not because i cant.... but because i honestly feel like not having it would be so so much worse. vulnerable in a different way.
and i hate to think i could get better and all of sudden turn into a huge hefer who doesnt realize how large and unattractive she is just because now she "doesnt worry about her body"
mostly that thought paralyzes me. i cant seriously listen to anyone lately who tries to give me advice on how to push past this wall i seem to have in front of me. i dont like it here, im uncomfortable in my own skin and i hate my self but i know whats going on here, and i cant bear the idea of being on the other side with nothing to hold on to...
hm.
and i dont want to hear anyone; alex, nicole or my doctor, tell me i dont need that or that i can develop other healthier coping mechanisms. because i just dont want to....


why on earth dont i want to?

somewhere, i guess since its been so long. this little thing...

gosh i remember being fifteen years old and being able to tell the difference between one voice and the other. this one says do this for these reasons, but there was another one- small at times, but present that would remind me of health, and happiness and dealing with problems i had with the people i loved.
but my world isnt high school anymore
and i dont feel like i have unresolved problems with anyone or anything. i want to be happy, but i just fucking hate my stupid, complaining, lazy, fat disgusting guts.
and sometimes i wish i could NOT feel that way for a moment...


but mostly im scared.




its strange how also i never feel better after these pointless little scribbles and rants. i just feel blank. not better, not worse. just kind of frustrated that i got nothing out of it... i figured i made the effort for some reason.

i need to do this for a little
i love being busy, i love diving into my self, i love that i do this for hours at a time
i love that im doing well in school. but i have to do better.
i love that during the week i dont even have to see sean, so eating "meals" only happens now on the weekends. i mean, i love him, but im tired of him shrinking me just because hes a psych major and deciding he knows better than i do whats right for me. its arrogant and patronizing as all hell.
i took some sort of turn in boston this weekend.
i dont think im going to hurt myself this time.
i just want to live my life on my own terms. and if that means fucking losing weight, then i will.
in just endlessly unsatisfied and dissapointed with myself and im tired of crying for hours in front of the mirror and having to lamely excuse my whale of a body because "this is healthy"
I think i would have learned my now what it means to be hungry and what to do when i feel it.
sean still assumes im so fucking out of touch with my body, when im not. i get hungry, and i eat, what i want, when i get hungry, and just enough to not be hungry. and thats how i should eat. its been too many months now that i eat on someone elses clock of when breakfast lunch or dinner time is. just because its 9 am doesnt mean i have to stuff my face. id rather wait until my body lets me know im hungry.

the point is- ive gained too much weight. im out of control and i need some of it back.
fuck it all.

im a disgusting person.

i do things to sean he doesnt deserve, and i dont have the courage to own up to any of it.
i want to keep being in the relationship as if nothing happened. and i hope that if i forget about it and push o=it far enough out of my mind, i will forget about it. i dont derserve him.
i dont deserve anytihng good that comes my way.
i hate my self.

kevin devine will be at studio A on nov 3rd
i want to be atleast 10 lbs lighter when i go- get really drunk and sing along as loudly as possible.
it will be fabulous.

Date:	2007-10-08 16:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

Kevin Devine lyrics

Because I'm selfish enough to wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become and it's what you will say
That's ballgame

'Cause I don't got room in my life for anyone else
And I've driven away all the people that could help
And I still don't even know what I need to do to fix myself

There's a clamp around my chest
That tightens every time I lapse into
Another sorry story

About my miserable collapse
A bronze box I keep encased in glass
And dust off whenever I want pity

Because I've had to come to grips with scope and figure
How my problems stack up in a world this close to ruin
(Or maybe it's rapture)

Well, either way, I realize that my shit's about as small as it could be
But that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place

i went on a "detox" kind of diet i guess,
consisting of water, teas, coffees, and raw fruits and veggies, and whole grains (like 100% oat bran for breakfast and Ezekiel bread).
i did this, i tell my self, because i was feeling sluggish and tired and inactive, and it was probably due to my stinky diet- white breads and bagels, ice cream with sean, pasta almost every day, and random snacking on crappy things (which has been made endlessly easier since i started working at starbucks) and this bothered me.
since going on this "diet" which was never meant to be permanent- ive found myself a little more jittery, having alot more energy, happier, feeling cuter (whatever that means) and uh- losing weight.
the last of the side effects was not why i originally decided to eat like this- but it is becoming my favorite part.
why is this still such a big part of my life?
why cant i feel happy about being healthy and not pay so much attention to the weight loss aspect?
why is my first reaction to any thing that makes me feel insecure- "its because im fat"
i know this isnt logical.- the boy in my biology class does like me- and if he didnt before its not because i lost 4 pounds since last week- more than obviously- right?
so why is that my universal solution to problems?

this is my eating disorder in a form ive never had to deal with it. this is it without the purging or the obsessive exercising- this is just a sneaky, more hurtful mentality- and i dont know what to do about it.


my goodness

new honorary title is really beautiful - esspecially 7 blocks and far more- ive had them both on constant play on my shuffle

i still have food problems
i still have dante thoughts (alot)

its amazing the kinds of places your imagination takes you.
today i spent a big chunk of my day (aside from class time) thinking about a boy that is not my boyfriend and all the different ways i could befriend him
i thought about what i could say and the kinds of things we'd do once we were comfortable with eachother.
this boy sits near me in my biology class, hes quite, shy, polite, and 100% all smiles when he sees me. he waits up after class for me just to tell me he has work to do, and ask me what im doing.
it is important to note that i am not romantically interested in him (i am completely in love with sean and very satisfied with our relationship) but otherwise absolutely fascinated my him. he just has a charming air around him UM boys are desperately lacking
and hes - just adorable.

maybe i dont know how to make friends, or miss having a group of friends or something- i was looking through some pictures of all these kids that go to school with me- all these social groups of kids who play frisbee at night, of fun looking parties of kids camping out and stuff- just things i feel im missing in my college experiance because a) im in a very serious relationship and b) i dont live on campus and dont know how to "put my self out there" like other kids do.
it brings me some sadness- im always so serious, everything is always so important, and urgent.
seany and i have a lot of fun, and i wouldnt trade those times for anything else... but was is it about this kid? and this social life that looks so inviting?
oh we'll see what happens.

i think i will just write to him and say hi right?

i have a problem.
im part of a pro- anorexia community.
i endlessly compare myself to other girls
i ever feel good enough
lately ive been having breakdowns every few hours
i burst into tears whe ifeel like ive done something wrong, mostly when i feel like sean thinks ive done something wrong.
i take things in the worst possible way
i hate myself alot of the time
i dont feel good enough for sean
i dont feel good enough for my parents
i dont feel thin enough to be alive!
i dont feel pretty enough for sean to touch me
i hope its just magnified because im on my period.
but i think i do need to talk to someone

im consumed by runway shows
super models
skinny girls
long legs ribs
colar bones

i feel disgusting

i really cant handle the way blow up at seany, and the way i feel worthless for making mistakes.
its beyond irrational.

gael garcia bernal is probably the most beautiful guy ive ever ever seen

watch y tu mama tambien
watch amores perros
watch the science of sleep
<3

ive been dreaming of making friends with elephants the past few nights.
it would appear in my room, id feed him bananas, then we go outside and drink water from the hose and talk and talk
my new elephant friend, i want to fall asleep and see him again.

also ive been having trouble in the food department for some time now
im an on and off kinda flimzy character. its not serious but its serious
i sorta feel skitzophrenic almost, i have two sides of me telling me to do two different things.

theres more
but not for now.
<3

my boyfriend
endless love.
and teeth that show it.

i get mad or upset.
so i throw up what i eat sometimes. (im still not sure if its voluntary or not)

not very well-adapted behavior.

lets work on saying, or atleast writting whats fucking bothering me.

Date:	2006-12-06 07:16
Subject:	straight licks
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	striaght licks!

a picture i drew, of my friend, Andrew Flores :]

owen has new music.
how wonderfully pleasent.
ive been waiting for new good music.
it seems ive been listening to the same things over and over.
not that i mind, i guess i just dont know where to look.
new mates os state is also very good.

ive been spending alot of time with sean.

im finally in the relationship ive always wanted.
honest, trusting, loving, open.
im constantly learning from him.
he stimulates my brain cells :]
and we do great things together.

it is, oddly enough, surprising then, to find that im not fuly content all the time.
somehow, i convinced myself that once i had this. once i was a part of something and someone this wonderful most other things would fall into place.
i get agitated alot. i get frustrated alot, and now i get jealous alot. not seriously jealous, but still, its an emotion im not used to handling.
and im not good at handling emotions in general.
i still worry about school.
im so close to finishing the semester and getting into UM.
all i need is to maintain that 3.5 average and im guarenteed a spot.
and along with that spot comes my job. my job in the hospital ive been waiting for.

i bother myself, being so self centered.
i feel ive got a lot to go before im actually at the stage i prentend to be at.

i think most of the time i cant express my self properly.

im feeling some ambiguous tenstion in my fingers and i dont know what to do with it.


maybe in a little while i'll feel like writting again.

theres this boy in some group- a nature for people who live in cities- group. and i enjoy erading the things he writes about.
discovering new insects, exloring and explaining flowers, weeds and trees.
where this mushroom comes from, what its called and what oit does. the cool thing about this snail and the great thing about these leaves right here.
it makes me look at things diffrently.
simpler.
much more beautiful
things all around me thrive and are a mystery. i want to learn about all of it. i want to fill my head stil it hurts.
i read almost the whole urban group entries today.
i want to start taking pictures again.
i just need to buy film and start looking around again.

i cant wait till my morning glories start growing.
sean and i planted them, along with the begginging of our butterfly garden last weekend. we will wait till march or april to get catapillars (its too cold for them now). in the mean time we'll add more plants and stones and stuff.
the morning glories will climb alot.

im excited..

my mood has changed significantly since i began writting.

<33

<333333333

these past couple weekends have been insanneeee
"10 30" meetings. and we're home at 2 30?
kissing marshals car.
lame party, meeting keri!!!!!!!
4 cars followed us
seeing sebastian!!
nathalias in NY...
salazars car! and the...play boy girl? cracked the fuck out.
"had 2? have 2 more!" havent seen him in forever. two weekends in a row niggie.
coorriiii
new hair
new make up
new face
dancinglike crazy
hearing our futures
telling jokes and then running through the sprinklers.
missed peacock park!
monica eating the curb...not to hit the car
writting new songs
running away from home...
the honorary title
and the Elected
we're so buying a bullet. or two..two.


the begining


and the enevitable comedown.




too much has changed.
im moving too fast.
i like some of it... most of the time.
not when i have time to think about it.
think about how now shes dropped me to persue excitement vailed in diffrent shades of intoxication. and i can see it.
cracked out weekends and insanely intensely stressful weeks.
this shit is almost over.

pawn shop's revolver fridays anyone?
ive made nice with the pretty boy at the door...so if you want, come out come out kids.


ive been soo busy and overwhelmed with school/college stuff, ive been in and out of the hospital for 2 weeks, and now sweating over the new possibility of getting into UM again. i havent even been able to have lunch with Nicole.
so im making up for it, and going to have a good time tomorrow...whatever happens.
nights can light up, shitty weeks can be saved.
and they will.


heres to new faces.
and dancing with boys that like American Football.

Date:	2005-12-11 16:52
Subject:	hit and run
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	criteria

i did a hit and run today.
everything started out fine...
i just went with my moms car to return movies, buy coffee and ciggies.
bad omen #1- they didnt have the ciggies i liked, i was forced to get a shitty soft pack.
i should of headed the warnings and forgetten about blockbuster.
bad omen #2- when igot there allthe parking spots i wanted were taken, i had to make a really tight spot...REALLY tight.
and then
after everytihng was done i got back in the car and put criteria on real loud. i started backing out and felt a RREEEEEEEEEERRR
a yellow buggie.
i just raped the shit out of a yellow buggie...a new one too.
i froze, my blood turned to ice.
i looked around and no one seemed to notice...
i reversed the other way and zoomed home.

i feel so bad.
nothing happend to my moms car but that buggie has black marks all over...maybe a dent too... i didnt hang around long enough to notice tho..

shit.

Date:	2005-12-07 18:54
Subject:	must we always wait for sleep....?
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	the goodlife- golden exit

this is mike kinsella
and i love everything he does.

tell me you arent smiling :]